Car broke down in the middle of nowhere...

Literally speaking, that did not happen to me because I don't even own a car...yet. Metaphorically speaking, yes it could be me. I dunno why I can't seem to move on...move away... I hate this feeling of wanting that person to come back. I was never known to force attraction to another person. I've gotten used to that kind of lifestyle...

I've been looking for this song I heard in a cab while riding to Savers. the lines " this is the last time I'll ever fall in love..." True enough that I may actually reach this point. I may not notice it, but I may have reached it now... Have I gotten tired of using my heart? Does thinking really hard about a certain commitment a bad choice on chosing? At this point, should the mind take over and let the heart rest?

Clare's cousin told me that I seem to be using my mind rather than my heart. Now that is way confusing. Somehow, I've gotten used to my life that is now. Selfish...Free...Independent...worry the major important things rather than the petty ones.

I may not wait for that time I may actually "get the car going". I gues I should be off by walking. It may be slow but at least I know I'm getting there...

Can you come back?

Ok, this is the imfamous line of a friend of mine. Sounds cheezy and has two meanings. Can be literal, can be hypothetical.

I've been giving this a thougt: is it time for me to lay down my cards and actually say this line to this certain person? I mean, c'mon! I was never like that. I was always sooooo selfish. I've been loving myself far to much. I dunno. Perhaps, for the first time in my life I actually had to admit that I made the wrong move. I lost this stupid game. I always tried to convince myself that I was ok and that I'm going to be ok. But with the things happening (too tulirio during work, always tulala sa isang tabi, sleepless nights, wanting to be alone, wanting to go to the place where he is just to catch a glimpse of him) Get this, in society, I have the upper hand a.k.a. I'm older (For those who know me, you've probably got the idea).

I don't like this. I don't wanna lose pride of myself. I can honestly say that I have a good future with the career I've chosen-just focus Naice!

Closure: one major factor that I was deprived of. Why would I have the privilage of experiencing this anyway? An Ice princess/ snow queen like myself? I guess there's no room for those kind of privilages. But I do hope I am entitled to feel warmth. That happiness.

I'm deprived of sleep...which gives me alot of time to re think things over. I do love my job. I do love myself. But needless to say, I suck at loving both my job and myself. And there's a big chance that I may suck at loving a person.

I'm not love deprieved. But how come this longing is still in me? I should be happy with what I have. Be contented. Peer pressure is one thing. Pressure from both my colleagues and myself. Pressure to do better in everything that I decide to do. *^%^&*^&* this is not actually happening.

What's wrong with me?

Can you come back....in my life?

Regardless of anything

Regardless of age, situation, and gender...one is entitled to be happy. To quote an office mate of mine "People are looking for happiness...not love exactly".

I opted to save the friendship...I guess it's not meant to be saved. One heck of a snob that definitely stung me. My friends told me that it was his harsh way of saying he's not interested.

Part of me is struggling to move on...the other half wants me to ask him to come back. But that would be selfish. I know that he has a new life. I am living my life as well. I thought I was ok. But after this, it still hurts and I dunno why.

Maybe I have fallen for him and it was too late. At this point, I don't care if he sees this and gets the idea. In general, I don't really care anymore. Besides, I won't be able to cross paths with him.

Anyway, I'm still young and there are a lot of fishes in the sea-This is me convincing myself. So pathetic. This is not really me at all. It never took long for me to be hung up like this.

Shoulders that I count on have abandoned me. I can't blame them. Busy with work....busy with life. Which I should condition myself into doing so.